“Extra” is a slang term for being over the top, and by true definition, it means far exceeding the minimum, excessive, or even dramatic. When people say extra – I think it’s more of you are a little special – kind of like in the 90’s people said, all that and a bag of chips.
Silly me, the first time my husband called me “Extra,” I took it as a compliment. And I have to say, even knowing the definition now, I’m proud to be called “extra” because, well, let’s face it, I know my personality and gifts are shining through. It’s all about perception in my book.
We all get to decide how we receive comments, good and bad, from others. And we need to decide, if we are ready to step up and claim our uniqueness because ‘extra’ is essentially about standing out, exceeding the minimum, and being the best version of ourselves.
Being “extra” is a good example of the concepts of self-worth and confidence. But remember, ‘extra’ is up for interpretation. What is ‘extra’ to one may be ordinary to another. The reality is a lot of what happens to us and how we interpret things is the same way, it’s all up for our interpretation. I hope you find this as comforting as I do because it gives us the power to decide how to show up, accept others’ opinions, and respond to them.
But what if you don’t feel ‘extra’ right now? Do you want to be? Are you currently shrinking, hiding, and feeling unworthy or undeserving? Are you telling yourself you aren’t capable? Well, that’s no fun! Do you want to hear how I went from introverted to ‘extra’ and how you can to? It is possible, you don’t need anyone’s permission to be powerful, bold, or brilliant, so I hope you’ll claim the title of Extra today. Let’s dive in and see if you are ready to accept your new designation!
I knew it was intended as a backhanded compliment the first time I was called ‘extra’. I take pride in my appearance and dress even when there isn’t a reason. According to some, I have unusual tastes and interests. 😊 A good friend has repeatedly told me, “You’re queer as hell, but I love ya.” In quarantine, I’ve worn my “good clothes” to the office. We have a commercial farm operation, so there is no need for strappy shoes and light & bright colors, but I do it anyway.
I like beautiful surroundings, and my office space in our building is the only room with painted crown molding, a decorated built-in, and an accent wall with original artwork. Thank you, Houzz and Pinterest, for the inspiration!
You’ve heard me say our environments are super important to our well-being. In the sea of stained wood and burgundy furniture, let’s say my office does not match😊 And, quite frankly, neither do I. But it makes me happy. ‘Extra’ or not, I love it, I know what I want and I love how I portray myself. Each of us is unique. So, what makes someone extra?
Are you Extra?
In reality, each of us is “extra” in some way or another, whether we intend to be or not. It’s just whether we decide to accept the title with pride or shrink from it. We are all unique in our own way, and that’s awesome. Too much vanilla is boring. The problem is with conditioning, a never-ending to-do list, and expectations of others; sometimes, it is easy to lose sight of what makes us special. We aim to fit in instead of being confident in who we are and what we are meant to do. When thinking about being extra, two qualities that come up are confidence and boundaries. Let’s explore them a little deeper.
Confidence
Confidence is the belief in oneself and one’s abilities. A positive trait, don’t you agree? Further developing it can lead to greater resilience, improved relationships, and a more fulfilling life. So, if you want to enhance well-being, confidence is a quality you want to grow.
I remember years ago; I struggled with confidence. Career-wise, I wanted more. I changed careers from hospitality operations to hotel consulting to hotel brokerage. Once I got into brokerage, I wondered if my skills were enough to carry me on the investment side.
Despite years of experience, degrees, and certifications, I felt I wasn’t enough. I thought people would find me out and realize I was an imposter. I’ll never forget the broker in charge of our firm telling me I knew more than most of the hotel owners he had worked with. Sometimes we can be our own harshest critic, especially when we have a perfectionist streak.
When you lack confidence, it shows up in many ways. You worry about what people think, it’s difficult to accept compliments, you might be anxious or socially withdrawn. Maybe you don’t trust your own judgment, or you back down during disagreements. Lack of confidence shows up in so many ways in our life and it’s not fun. Low self-worth, apologizing for what you want are ways that low confidence chips away at our well-being.
Where do you struggle with confidence? In your career, in social settings? Are you ready to change how you show up?
Confidence is an emotion created by thoughts. And you know who creates thoughts? YOU. Back then when I struggled with confidence, I didn’t believe in my abilities. So how did I grow into the confident woman I am today?
Three things helped me build my confidence. I want to share them with you because they were life changing. The first was positive self-talk and showing up for myself. Anytime “little Micah” would rear her imposter syndrome story, I’d get my inner pom poms out and remind myself of all my experiences that led me to this point in my career. I reminded myself how hard I had worked to get to this point, and I began showing up for myself. The more I did, I began to believe the new story.
Once confidence starts to improve, you stop second-guessing yourself. You stop shrinking. You stop waiting for validation. And you start becoming more decisive. You are willing to make the decisions and are willing to fail if they aren’t right because you know deep within everything is a learning experience. Each step is taking you where you need to go. My husband now jokes about my high confidence, saying I’d even attempt brain surgery once.
When you have confidence, you know what you want and start asking for it. Occasionally at restaurants, I’ll want a modification to a menu item. In the past, not wanting to inconvenience anyone when my confidence was low and I hadn’t yet achieved my “extra” status, I would have kept quiet and just made due. I would think I would like XYZ, but I was worried about asking.
One of the things that earned me the title ‘extra’ is that I now have the confidence to ask for what I want. The restaurant can decide if they’re going to fill my request or not, but I ask. Of course, my husband will inevitably joke and ask the waiter if they can get an egg laid on a Tuesday before 2 pm, and the chef could chop the salad with one arm tied behind his back blindfolded. He has a weird sense of humor. With confidence, I’m prepared for a snide comment, and I roll my eyes, shrug it off, and thank the waiter.
When you have confidence, you start to see yourself differently and realize you deserve to have what you want. All you people pleasers out there, I know this is a challenge. I will tell you each time you ask for what you want, it gets easier, and your confidence builds. So, in your journey to becoming ‘extra’, let me ask you, what are you not asking for right now? What do you need to be asking for?
When you have confidence, every fiber of your being exudes it. You stand tall, and you aren’t afraid to stand out. You take your seat in the front row instead of fading into the background. As I say this, it’s so interesting to me. Do you remember back in school or in big meetings most people want to sit in the middle to the back. They want to fade into the background. No one wants to be called on. Right? But give someone a set of concert tickets, and they dress to stand out. They want to be as close to the stage as possible. And if they get called onto the stage even better. How can we approach life like one big concert we are excited to be at?
Boundaries
Another trait of being ‘extra’ is having boundaries. My husband is the king of analogies, and he is constantly unknowingly providing me with tons of material for my podcasts 😊 He used to talk, rather yet make fun of, about my “red velvet rope policy” and how he felt it made me unapproachable. One that is a thought – his thought. And two, every self-respecting person needs boundaries.
Remember the last time you went to a show or museum, and they had the red velvet rope to cordon off an area? What does it symbolize? Boundaries. Expectations. Standards. The more your confidence grows, the more you’ll start to put a red velvet rope around your life. You’ll decide what you’ll tolerate and clearly define what is and isn’t allowed. You’ll stop feeling like you have to audition for others or that you have to prove yourself. In the process, people will be offended or disapprove, and that’s ok. It happens. The thing is, you’ve got to be true to yourself instead of trying to please everyone else.
A mentor says there are two kinds of discomfort – familiar and unfamiliar. Both are uncomfortable. The familiar discomfort is when we try to please people at the expense of our desires. The unfamiliar is when we stay true to ourselves and know others may take issue and not know how things will turn out. That whole deal of the dreaded “unknown”. Which discomfort would you prefer?
When you stick to your boundaries and hold your red velvet rope firmly, you show up in a different and more powerful way. You tell the world this is me, and take it or leave it. People may leave. That’s ok. I’ll share this with you – others will take note, and they will celebrate you for being true to yourself. You’ll find you start attracting people who respect your boundaries. And boy, does that improve your well-being when you’re taking care our yourself and you’ve got people supporting you doing it.
Before I close out, I want to bring in one of Deepak Chopra’s book’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. One of the laws he talks about is the Law of Detachment. The Law of Detachment addresses uncertainty as part of our experience and not being attached to outcomes. It talks about allowing yourself and those around you to be free to be themselves. It is also about being open to all the infinite choices available to us.
When you consider being ‘extra’, stepping into your confidence and holding your boundaries, not everyone will understand you, and they don’t have to. Detach. This is your life, and you don’t need to draw confidence or approval from others. When we look to others for approval, it’s like giving them the keys to our happiness. And the downside of looking to others is when we do; we aren’t being true to ourselves and we are closing the door to the wisdom that lies within us.
The thing is, there will be those who don’t like you and don’t resonate with what you are here to do. And then there are going to be “your” people. The ones that are inspired by you and want to be in your full presence. If you don’t compromise on your “extraness,” you will attract the people that are a match for the true version of you. In the interim, you’ve got to be willing for people not to like you.
You, my friend, are the way you are for a reason. Your life, your “extraness,” your presence, interests, and insights are there to inspire others. How you think and show up is all part of a greater plan. And I’ve got to tell you, realizing that is so exciting to me.
Holding on to the Extra
So, yes, I am ‘extra.’ If I had held onto the old version of myself that tried to please people and that didn’t have the confidence to believe in my capabilities, I would never have become this version of myself. And honestly, I kind of like this version, red velvet rope and all.:)
When it comes to being ‘extra,’ it’s a practice. You have to have an awareness of what you truly want. You must be willing to know yourself and understand yourself at the deepest, most intimate level. And I’ll share this with you when you decide to be ‘extra’; your purpose will unfold from within. So, where are you ready to give yourself permission to be ‘extra’ because you can’t wait for permission from anyone else.
Go ahead, put up that red velvet rope, and start asking for what you want. It’s time to be the most unique version of you. I congratulate and celebrate you, from one “extra” to another – welcome to the club.
